Nonbeliever

I dream in vibrant screaming color then

remember too much I wake up in the back

seat of a car driving on its own Something

chases me my legs freeze up I cannot

outrun the thing behind me that looks just

like my dad Somehow I drown in deep

water when I know how to swim All my

teeth start coming lose I pull them out of

head, one by one in a row I jolt out of it

choking on blood

I read tea leaves I read tarot I’ve let friends

read my palm I bought crystals off the

internet to bring me good luck I burn herbs in

my apartment to cleanse my energy I google

dream interpretations I disregard what I see I

am who I’ve always been I believe in almost

nothing My crisis of faith is craving

something to have faith in when I’ve lost

all of mine 

I don’t put much stock in spirits ghosts or

stories of god blindly hoping’s only blissful ‘til

you realize you’re wrong I’m a backwards

placebo effect my cynical thoughts won’t let

anything work like it’s supposed to I want

something to believe I think that part of me’s

gone in exchange for freedom I gave up

knowing how to

have faith in something I can’t prove 

rooms get quiet when I say I think the dead are

just gone I read history nonfiction to tell

strangers they’re wrong I build mountains out of

molehills like it’s part of my job but I’m right

and I lie awake at night and I tried to find

something to pray to but I’d salted the earth all

the roots shrivel up Nothing can grow there

anymore

Peyton McFarlain is a young creative hailing originally from Houston, Texas and currently based in Fort Worth, Texas. Their work draws on their southern roots and passion for history and nature to speak to the heart of something human within all walks of life. They have previously published a short fiction piece in the North Texas Review. They enjoy writing by hand and by typewriter to make every step of the process slower, more thoughtful, and intentional.